eNtRy gUe
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
i need to be alone. ya dats it. i need to calm everyting down. i noe i shudnt have did dat but i have no choice. better to be silent rather than putting on gasoline to a flame. i want to explain but i might be judge as always being the right one. i cant seem to let go of my thots.
gosh, dis cramp i have is kiling me!
i'm losing trust. losing confident i had in him. is he not reali prepared or he juz want to spend his younger days some more? i noticed him. his guiltiness kept me uneasy.
lets be more straight forward now. i noe he didnt notice me noticing him. wat do u tell if he is hiding things he typed to a girl in msn? typing things wen i left the room n minimize it wen i'm around. going to chatrooms looking for more contacts. still have the urge to have more females contacts in his list of frens in frenster n to make things worst, changed his status so dat girls dun mind be fren with him n more attractive if he has his pic standing behind the bar?. so does dis tells me dat he is not prepared to reveal his true status to everyone? why muz he denied abt all dis by telling me i am the only one in his heart but no one else?
he neglected abt work coz of spending too much time in chatroom meeting new ppl the whole nite. meeting ppl without having my acknowledge n perhaps, he might meet more chatters in the future.
so, how am i suppose to be confident dat he is faithful to me? i had enuf af all dis. i guess i will do it my way. i can go out and mit my long lost frenz, go anywhere i wanted to n be like wat i'm used to be before. its notink wrong rite as long i always had him in my heart. to be fair n no pressure to both parties. he wud be very happy to get his freedom back n so do i.
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3:06 PM
going back to live on my own life. cant seem to trust anyone. tried to but sometink keep happening behind my back. i dont want to find out wat it is coz i dont want to noe! wat for i'm going to look for pain rite?
my life is changing. how do i say? losing dat grip? ya i suppose. tried to hold on but he is playing games wit me. playing hide n seek? so i dun tink i'm going to fly any higher. gravity might pull me down to earth. no use of hoping for sometink u worth dream of.so i will juz fly neutrally while keep hanging on to the branches of the trees around me.
today, my past seems to be calling me back. isit coincidence or .... i guess god wan to turn around the wheels. wat goes around comes around. so, meaning sometink reali happening behind my back n god wans me to do the same ting.
my long lost 'scandal' is back! he did remember me afterall. so are we gona keep back in contact or juz be as it is.. its been a year! those grinding reali gave me a short flashback. haha! n out in the blue moon, sakai called me. i'm juz wondering why is he so stubborn wit all the warnings he gets from me? well, i had no choice. even if i change my number a thousand times, he will still keep track on tracking me. i tink my forehead had been choped as sakai's ex wherever i go.
wen wil i get a decent life?? will somebody help me to guide my way?? pls God! dun smash my heart again. i juz wan to be treasured and feel special. rite now, i dun tink i'm feeling dat way coz everyting was jumbling all over.
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1:24 AM
Monday, March 12, 2007
notink new in my life. misery,misery.. i tink he juz get misunderstood. wen wil i ever get dat security in a stable life? i feel abit upset coz it seems dat he took life so easy. i'm juz waiting for him to get a stable job to stay throughout his entire life. but wat he is looking for is job dat he worth of trying. til wen he want to try out jobs n keep changing until he finds out the one which reali suits his taste?
i'm not pressurring him but y do such a small advise wil make someone blast off his temper?
frankly, i'm not to desperate to get married so early but how many years does he need to find dat suitable job to stick wit til he will start his savings? if he's gona take 1 year juz to find a decent job, he will take another almost 4 years to reach his savings on target. so, does dis tell me dat i have to wait for another 5 years? i dont mind if he wil take several years for his savings but wen wil he start? nxt 2 years?
i noe dat he need more time but wil he tink dat my mother wil give me dat time staying over at his house for several years without any formal attach? i dont tink so. he gets frustrated wenever i cant stay at his hme more longer but i also do feel frustrated being said from mom dat i cant always stay at his house so often since i'm not married to him. so, how long shud i endure wit dis?? how many years muz i take to frequently changing a place to stay without my mom's full approval? n how many years do he have to show a long face to me wen i'm not able to spend the nite wit him? so isit wrong if i said dat he only tink abt himself instead tinking of my situation also?
n wit the job hopping attitude, i dont noe if he reali gona bring it forward to his marriage life. i guess my dream to be a housewife taking care of my children wil vanish in the air. i supposed i'm born to have a fate juz like mom. hey! no way! my mom told me to find a responsible husband to take care of me throughout my life. i'm not going to have the same fate as mom n i dont tink she want dat way either. haiz.. lets see how it goes..
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9:12 PM
Friday, March 09, 2007
feeling fucking sucks today. do i have to call myself an evil witch? y am i so mean towards a person who reali loves me so much? maybe i keep thinking abt my past n i'm not going to let anymore guys taking any advantage of me. i've been so nice before n i'm not going to have someone climb onto my head.
but wats past is past rite? i cant always think dat i might being fooled again. no i dont think so. i do hope he reali understand dat wat i had done has a reason behind it. i dont want myself to get hurt. n i cant help to wait for wat's unexpected.
i knew i had ask for separation once. its not bcoz dat i dun love him but i have to see my future at its best state in his hand. i have to choose a rite person. i'm willing to sacrifice if it concerns my future.
the next thing is, i'm tired of arguements. dilemma in which i have to concern 2 hearts. him and my mum. why do we have to argue whenever i have to listen to my mum? ayg, if u are reading dis, i hope wat i've let out here to make some sense to u. i do reali love u n i'm always there for u but i cant be physically always there nxt to u. i'm sick of the quarrels we had due to dat problem n i had to be the victim of ur anger coz i'm not there beside u. haiz... i reali cant say anymore n i noe u're aware of dis problem. i juz have to let god to quicken our marriage so dat i dun have to go thru dis kind of difficulties anymore.
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5:13 AM