meow

2009-06-17T17:02:00.000-07:00

bagos ar ko nyer perangai. takde makna ko panggil ako kakak kalau respect dah takde. ko lom cukop tua nk ajar ako nak lead my own life. kalau adek sendiri dah pandai nak panggil ako bitch, den jgn panggil ako kakak. kalau ko nak sgt org tu ko gi amek dia buat laki. jgn nak babitkan ako kasi korang happy. kecewa ar. bila dah jadi mcm ni sanggop side org luar dari kakak sendiri. den buat ape ako dudok kat umah tu? ko nak ckp ako jahat lepas ako putos tunang?? pasal korang yg tak tau nak support family sendiri yg buat ako gini.

laki mane yg sanggop nak go thru org dah baru putos tunang? dia tau lepas ni family ako mesti tak suka dia nyer tapi dia sanggop nak tempohi.

cmon seh. ako kenal nizam lagi lame ako kenal razak. teros terang ckp, nizam nyer perangai lagi mulia.. kira ko nak salah kan takdir ar pasal ako dah takde jodoh ngan razak.. wake up seh!!
smell the reality yg ako ngan razak takde jodoh!!

2009-06-16T20:28:00.000-07:00

i juz don get it.. y muz family interfere wit the life dat i will go thru alone?? y muz i have to sacrifice my life juz to make them happy. i noe i have to make them happy but with regards to the person who i'm going to spend my life wit is a big deal!! i have to make my own choice and i noe who will make me happy n how my life will be thereafter.. if i'm marrying someone who can make my family happy but not me, den adopt dat person!!

it is my biggest mistake for making dis choice. i've make a commitment which i cant and i noe i can't commit. all thks to my stupid thinking dat i have to get married before i reach 25. wat the fuck!! i'm not even mature yet to have my own life and my own problems adding on to the biggest problem of all, to accept the other party.

i noe they are disappointed wit me rite now but before its too late, i have to make a decision before i regret for the rest of my life. dis is abt my life dat i'm concern.

they thot dat i'm happy with the life i'm in but they have no fucking idea!! all they can see in front of them is a happy couple but they cant see wats beneath it.

all the excitement dat they saw was juz an immature girl cant wait to get the feeling of being dolled up n being a queen of the day but the excitement will only last on the wedding dat itself. reality will come after dat which i'm not ready to face it yet.

its not juz solving the problems together but the fact that u are the problem wen u are together.

so wat if broke off dis engagement?? u wan to blame me or blame god for showing me to the other direction dat my lifetime companion was not him but someone else? for giving me dis courage to call it off after years of trying.. so am i a bait to gain happiness for the family?? so wats the point of god giving us test in relationship.

u wana blame me for leaving him coz of someone else?? dat someone else was the one who love me terribly who i left him for no reason n waited for me for 5 years. dats wat u call fate.. the person who can match my life wit. the person who i feel its really me wen i'm wit him but not being someone else.

it is so fucking irritating wen family concerns other ppl's heart rather than heart from their flesh n blood.

2009-05-11T04:17:00.000-07:00

haiz.. keep thinking of shila lately. after her accident, i cant even keep myself concerntrate at werk. even though she have a fuck up attitude, i still love her like the rest of my sisters. i wonder how is she doing rite now. whether she is sleeping or enduring the pain. sometimes i juz cant avoid not visiting her at the hospital. my family might think dat i didnt care but the truth is, i cant accept the fact dat my sister is lying in pain with her face not looking the same as she used to have. i'm kindda sensitive so i cant see all this things happen to my family. even during the time my paternal grandma pass away in the middle of the night, i have to pretend dat i'm sleepy coz i cant see her wen she is no longer breathing n no matter how i try to wake her up, her soul is no longer there. so i have to mantain my ego by pretending to sleep wen i'm actually crying and blaming god for taking her away..

so i juz have to wait for shila at hme wen she comes back. feel sad for mohd also. heard dat his condition is worst. i juz cant look at them in dat state. i will cry u noe! so dun ever force me to visit them at the hospital! anyway, hope dat they get well soon. n i dun noe why all these muz happen after they being kind enough to go through trouble helping me n ayg get a bike.

anyway, after dis incident, i told ayg to ride carefully. if he said he is sleepy, i will forbid him riding. everytime i pillioned his bike, i cant keep my mind off shila's accident.

my wedding is 7 mths away n i hope me n ayg will get married as planned. n after dat, i want him to sell off his bike n drive a car instead. i cant bear to handle such accidents again..

2009-05-04T19:02:00.000-07:00

god lucky my blog is for my own viewing only.. erm except for the 3rd sister of mine. sebok jelah. nak mencarut pon susah kene jaga imej seorg kakak yg baik.. eh gi mampos lah ako peduli hapa! hehehe one day i want to have my own account. only my hubby can read. ceh ceh!

3 more hours to go before i finally kick off from dis stupid fake marble counter, go hme and listen to misteri jam 12 and scare myself off to sleep. weee! at least i'm not like someone who love to imagine kakak cantek peeping at her from the door or standing one corner looking at her. ape saje lah budak tu.. (who noe who i'm refering to)

but right now, i juz cant stand with the fact that i have to go thru another 3 hrs controlling my breathing. wan to noe y?? sometimes i wonder how do ppl have very bad feet odour without them realising it. OMG! u guys dunnoe wat i'm going thru behind this counter. i'm smiling but at the same time smelling some smelly feet.

i have dis myanmar girl doing her attachment at the hotel i'm werking at. in fact, she is rite next to me cutting papers where i'm typing this blog. hope dat she is honest enuf not to take a peek at my monitor. sometimes wen she gets near me i woul juz get ready to minimize this page.. hehehe scared lah later ppl hurt how? she dun want to fren me anymore.

i've actually asked almost everybody whether they are facing the same problem as i am. carol said she cant smell. i tink she have a 'forever blocked nose' halifi didnt notice. jariah did smell wen she was changing uniform wit her today. azan said that maybe it is due to wat she eats everyday dat produces this smell. but gosh!! IT WAS SO STICKY dat i cant breathe!!

ok2 before she saw my posting, its better dat i log out!! ciao!

2009-05-03T15:56:00.000-07:00

super fucking angry sia!! a woman just stole my money but don want to admit!!! who want to admit stoling ur money sia! and its only within half an hr and my notes gone!!

my mistake for my carelessness but for god sake at least dun steal FUCK ASS!!

i'm super duper angry n i hate to say it but for my own info of wat had happened is... i was on my break. and, i need to pee. so i went into the toilet, place my wallet, hp and ciggys in front of the mirror and left the toilet for my nap. it was half an hr nap wen i suddenly approached by a trainie dat she found my stuff inside the loo. i was not that shock as at least she is honest enuf to pass it back to me. but then, i feel like checking my money, a few notes left for me to spend for the rest of the month. and guess wat? ITS EMPTY!!. MOTHERFUCKER CIBAI WHO TOOK DAT MONEY!!! so i asked the trainie who found it and she said that the moment she found it, its already empty.. wow my blood was boiling!! the only person i can suspect now is a china room attendant who was having her break as well at that time. not to accuse anyone, with the help of the technician, i'm able to view the cctv. and juz as i thot. its dat bloody china woman. she's the only one who entered that toilet before the trainie went in. i cant control my anger i went to the housekeeping dept and look for her n confronted her. but china woman cant speak english dun understand wat i said. translations pls..... n of coz, she didnt admit. her face looks like she was pissed being accused of stealing but hey u fucking china woman, i am more pissed by ur stupid trying to be innocent face. well, cant spend that money which i've save up for my meals. its all gone! btw, y didnt she take all the coins too huh stupid idiotic woman!! go back to ur stupid country n stop stealing money in spore.. n i'm cursing u for spending my hard earn money!!

i dun want to tell ayg abt dis coz if i do, he will nagged on how careless i am. n dat really make my anger worst!!

2009-04-27T01:43:00.000-07:00

tomoro is the day i've been waiting for 3 YEARS!! wow!! lama nya!

for 3 years i've been waiting for the moment i'll be down at the void deck wit ayg, washing our baby tzm together.. aawwww

well practically i've waited a life time for dat. but since i've been wit my future husband for almost 3 years now so that baby of ours will be partially mine! ha ha ha!

i dun noe why i'm so obsess maybe dats y God fated me without having a bile licence coz if i have one, i wont stick at hme, i wont be looking around for a BF, n i will have no BF coz i will love my bike more n i will have no fiance n finally no husband. not forgetting no family. n dats it. thks ALLAH. i noe U always provide the best for me.

hey even though i dun pray but i communicate wit HIM always tau. dats y ayg passed his TP coz i wont stop communicating with Him. see? so start thinking of HIM and u will be blessed. if something terrible happened to u, it means dat god loves u n wanted to test u abt life. if u dun get any bonus, its bcoz god noes dat u will used the money unwisely. if in ur life u always have financial problems it means dat god wans u to be more mature in financing but its up to u how u handle it correctly or not. ok dats enuf. it will take years to talk abt religon. i'm outz!

tzm on the way

2009-04-26T05:01:00.000-07:00

wow! so long never blog seh.. today feeling like blogging coz there's sometink i wan to let out which i think its better to let it out in my blog rather than to ppl coz i can stil read wat i've said in a few years time. yeah dats rite. k lah sucks in english. kita bobal 'melalish' well dats melayu + english.. hehehe kelakar nya!!!

ok let start... I'm feeling so so so happy coz i cant wait for ayg to get his TZM out and ride down the road!! actually to tell u a little secret which i've already confessed to him is dat, one of a reason i wan to be close with him in the first place before we dated and engaged is dat he is taking a bike licence!! sounds like a bitch i know but who don like her bf to have a bike which u can actually pose on how macho guys are with a bike! so to recap, when i get to know ayg last time, i actually asked him this question in our conversation. "u ade amek lesen?" i don wan to be specifically ask him abt 'motorbike' so i asked in general. so, wen his answer was, " ya i'm taking bike licence.." ..... at dat point of time, i was actually jumping for joy well i can say my heart was jumping up and down even though i tried to mantain my body language not to show dat i go for abg2 moto..

so can u imagine, i was with him for almost 3 years now and FINALLY he passed his TP and getting a bike in two more days!! YIIPPPEEEE!!

its been my dream seh to have a bike.. all this while i've been a pillion to many guys which none of them are my BF. so u cant actually ask them to give me a ride at any time i wan rite. u have to wait for them to offer the ride. i've been jealous seeing couples riding bike especially during bulan puasa. both of them will carry cool designed helmets around, ride to any place they wan, go hme at anytime they wan wen i have to go home before last train departs plus the walking to the MRT stations was tiring and don bother to dream abt getting any seat.

so, hepi sgt lah! tak sabar. i dun have to worry going home late coz i got him to send me. i think its part of my effort also lah. without the motivations and supports i gave to ayg, he wont pass his TP til now and i would get a lovely baby TZM which i will get on in TWO MORE DAYS!!

ok dats it i'm out!

2008-10-27T21:22:00.000-07:00

i'm so fucking stress. even though i dun reali look like i'm stress u noe i've been laughing and joking around, spend my money n all. but when i was lying on my bed every night, i cant stop thinking abt planning for my wedding. its like gosh!! sooo streeessss man!!! a huge some of money i have to save every month but i cant help spending those money i've got from my 1 mth working my ass off. ceh2 padahal a few times ade jugak mkn gaji buta sam skg ni still can update blog. huahaha! n how every mth, apart from thinking of the savings i have to do, i juz cant forget abt mum's allowance every mth which i have to deduct from my pay. n since i have to fork out more money since my wedding will be in like 13 mths time n dat is $1000, i had only got $200 to spend. but i still want to give some to my mum. haiyah!! so stress ar!! then some more i want to sign a membership in planet fitness to lose all my flabby fats before my big day. to calculate back, the membership would cost me ard $80 per mth. and 30 bucks for my topup card, 60-70 bucks for my ezlink n the rest for my everyday meal. not including my make up, my pantyhose, my haircut which are compulsory!! DANG IT!! i can become crazy sia!!! it not juz abt the wedding, we still need to go for our honeymoon. hey i sacrificed for not travelling tau for this whole coming year. gosh how i love travelling!! n den, need to buy a new HDB flat n the renovations n the furnitures n blah blah blah watever!! why is it so stress? well, maybe dats how live our life here. mum went through dat without having so much complain. the bills she need to think abt, the allowance for her kids, its countless! but she still smiling while staring her 3 digits bill. 'mak dah biasa dah boleh jadi gila sebab tu mak senyum jek' wow! look at dat! dats wat she said wen i asked her. i wish i can be as strong as her. even though she spent like 3/4 of her hardwork wit all the bills which she didnt use she still afford to give me sum money at times. she never complains if she never get her mthly allowance from me coz she understand my situation. she even rejected ayg's money when ayg had given it her. but ayg insist dat she shud have it. well mum, i'm totally grateful to have a mum who is understanding and caring like u even sumtimes ur mouth is abit laser for me to accept but it ok. ok lah i'm off!

2008-07-29T18:08:00.000-07:00

OMG!! frustrated sial!! dis mth is the most unlucky mth in 2008. end of july coming to august. the 1st part of ke 'sial' an, ini lah pertama kali ako broke abis-abisan punyerlah! tak pernah2 siol ako last 3 days nak gaji sampai takde duit nak makan n duit pon ako kene kire to make sure ako ade tambang nak balek. kesian tak? kesian kan. ako pon kesian kan sgt pat bdk bername iza ni. i'm the kind who always plan on how to spend on my money til the last day of mth. but to my unluckiness goodness gracious, i've unexpected overlimit my budget juz for the sake of my stupid hair! aarrrgghh!! n it was UNEXPECTED. after my hair is done, the digits apppeared on their calculated chrgs realli put a shock in the history of my purse. gosh!! ya ALLAH! YA NABI!

and to make things even worse n muthafucking cibai, the day wen I was to get my pay the next day, my cash float shortage of $99.50. i juz have to spare another 50 cents n i had $100 cut to my amazingly pathetic pay. YA AMPON!! challenging nyer hidup ini!! and wen i was about to plan to get my toilet renovated, my mum suddenly showed a piece of paper in my face " NI BAPAK KAU PUNYA BIL MAK KENA BAYAR SAMAN $600!" ... k takpe. maybe ako leh mintak letak downpayment dlm seratos gitu. oklah leh afford. plan nombor 2, maybe tunang ako insyallah dpt kuar kan motor bulan ni leh kuar kan duit siket..

DAN biler perkara bencana ni dah berlaku, ako pon ape lagi, jeritan sepi lah!! upselling dah berbulan tak dpt! CPF tolak gaji dah mcm bsk ako dah nak pencen. tolak duit mak ako dah 200. tolak savings kahwin 600, duit cashier 100, duit ezlink leh sampai 70, duit prepaid maybe 30 ako leh survive. duit rokok 100. (shikin mesti muker binget jek kalau bace part ni. "sape suroh abiskan duit pat rokok!!" katanyer) tu total dah SERIBU SIAL!!!! dahlah tu, dtg keje, " ni envelope jgn lupe duit chalet $20", " share $10 kasi carol for bday present" MAK KO PUNYA LAKI AKO NAK MAKAN APA?? tapi duit present tu ako kene kasi ikhlas lah. bday ako pon dorang share duit bli hadiah. AKO BOSAN, BOSAN! PADA DIRIMU! alamak teringat lak hutang mira 3 ketol. upah gi kedai. hish bdk ni keje tak pernah ikhlas cam kakak2 dier jugak. AARRRHHHH BODOH BETOL AKO NI!!!!!! haiz... lega siket dpt hilangkan stress kat dlm blog. takpe2 ni sumer cobaan. WAKLU AR COBAAN! GI TERJUN KOLAM LAKESIDE LAGI BAGUS!

15 loves

2008-07-15T02:55:00.000-07:00

1st love (wen I reached 17 yrs old)- Bob

met him at my mum's werkplace. well u noe, i felt really nervous going out with a guy for the 1st time. org jawa so biaselah handsome banget tapi syg, playboy. well, wat do u expect. tak lame lah ngan dier coz i found out dat he actuali had a girlfren before going out wit me. so, i'm wit him for only a few days. haiz wat to do..

2nd: cant recall his name realli. hehe boy agaknyer

tak tau name dpt nombor ako tetibe call. dari boys hme so dpt jumpe time weekends. lost contact biler member dier ckp dier kene masok pasal misbehave. tak lerp sgt ngan dier so buat bodoh jek.

3rd: darren

haiz dier ni hensem siol. yelah dulu kan zaman skaters ngan in so he is realli fucking hensem siol ngan image tu. he is a catholic tapi bobal melayu so biler dier panggil ako 'baby', fuuhh! cair! lagi2 suara dier. he is really cute. slalu gadoh ngan adek dier daniel berebot telefon. kat umah bobal org puteh tapi members sumer melayu. ngan dier for 2 mths sal mak dier tak suker ako sal mak dier anti islam. sedih seh. leh ingat lagi time mak dier sound. ' he is born a christian n he will die as a christian". hancur hati ako beb!

4th : Ayie

ni bdk kenal kat dlm bank. hehe cam cute gitu kan? every mrng gi bank in duit tetibe satu hari nampak satu cisco yg cute sgt. mula crush jek lamer2 jadi matair. ni anak sorang. after awhile, naik benci lak ngan perangai dekni. almost everyday kene maki. kalau tak angkat call dier kene maki. kat skolah dok ngan kwn2 yg ade lelaki cine pon kene maki. lunch time mkn kat luar ngan kwn pon kene maki. tak paham lah dier ni. jealous tak bertempat. nasib tak kahwin ngan dier ni kalau tak kene dok pat umah takleh kuar kalau tak kene maki. hehehe

5th: Remy

time keje part time kat watsons jugak tapi dier kat kedai sebelah building. bertentangan mate biler ako kene amek stock kat kedai dier. dier ni muke step mane cam gangster besar so malas nak senyum kat dier. tetibe biler balek kat kedai ako jek dier kol kedai mintak number. hahaha! klakar2!

6th: rashid aka ajid

ni matair kat ite dover during my 1st year. n he is from the 2nd year. eksyen jugak ar dier ni. biler dah dpt matair ngan ako, ngan sumer kwn dier bagi kenal. nak show off. biler time lepak ngan member dier kat skola, step tutop muker ako biler member dier tgk ako. pelik2. ngan dier sebulan jek.

7th: basheer (member baik ajid)

ako ngan dier bangsa together sorok2 sal tanak bagi ajid tau. dier ni ride tzm. so slalu amek ako kat umah gi skola same2 den drop off kat tempat org tak nampak. hehe. klakar tol. he is very damn sweet n romantic. actually ngan dier bukan matair betol sal dier kene matchmake dari mak dier. takde restu lah kate org tu. tapi tanak lepaskan ako. mcm mane tu?

8th: ketam (name samaran jek)

kenal kat silat. dier ni samer umor ngan shila tapi tak tau kenape pilih ako lak. muker nampak tua tapi umor kecik. he is sweet especially biler kiter kuar rayer pakai baju pink. hehe.

9th: Yan

pon kenal kat ite dover. mase ako 2nd year and dier 1st year. at the same time, ako maseh ngan ketam agik. ako timing for 1 mth. during ade program kat school hall, dier ngan group dier dok blakang ako. kacau2 mintak number. start from fren coz dier ni tak lah hensem sgt so ako tak selesa biler bobal 'u' 'i' ngan dier. lamer2 kenal, hari2 bobal kat telefon, slalu buat ako ketawe ngan joke selambe dier. he is damn joker! sampai jatuh hati lak. biler together, slalu lepak ngan member2 dier. dorang pon kaki joker gak. leh saket perot ketawe biler ngan dorang.

10th : ah lang

ni gangster siket bertattoo. tapi mude 2 years. tapi part dier marah, fuhh! takot beb. nothing much to say abt him.

11th : ijat

ni plak start as frens. muke leh tahan. kenal dier time maseh matair ngan ahlang. awhile later, cam dah boring lak ngan ahlang so mintak break n i go with ijat. satunyer dier ni jiwe member sgt. sanggup tak balek balek sal nak lepak ngan kwn.

12th : hezri

hmm. si hezri ni kire matair ako yg paling berg nauzubilah. 1st year pat dover. pemalu n low profile. image dier slalu up to date. paling susah nak ckp 'i love u' malu punyer pasal. how i get to noe dis guy is very interesting. since start semester baru ako nak masok 2nd year, kalau lalu canteen atau mane2 corridor, mesti ako dgr ade bdk 1st year 3 ekor ni asik2 panggil ako 'sayang' tapi ako tak pernah layan kire buat bodoh jelah til one day during lunch break wen i'm sitting wit my chinese frens kat canteen tetibe ade satu bdk gemok ni approach i said " u, my kwn nak mintak ur number tapi dier malu" so i ask who. dier pon tunjok lah kat bdk 3 ekor ni ngah dok kat satu meja n biler ako toleh blakang, satu tutop mulot, satu tutop mate n lagi satu tutop muke. hehe cute siol dorang. n after dat i realize one of dem was hezri. he is damn berg but stil very faithful to me which i can see so obvious. well, kate org dah jodoh. a few mths later, we decided to become frens since both of us are not ready. yg bagos nyer, we are still keep in touch til now but just as frens.

13th : syarul

he lives in my neighbourhood. it was sweet in the beginning. eat breakfast together every morning, gi kedai same2. he really take care of me, treasure me n willing to do anything for me tapi, control sgt2. tak bleh tahan. he will really scold me juz becoz of him being suspicious abt me flirting wit other guys. giler seh! he's planning to take me as his wife after ns tapi sape leh tahan ngan perangai panas baran cam tu?

14th : sakai

ni matrep sejati n i almost hanyot pasal dier. everything abt me has totally change after i noe dis matrep. ako senang piss off, hang2 org, kurang ajar. ibarat minah abis lah ako ni. perangai jadi tak betol. sanggop derhaka ngan mak bapak n lari umah n dudok kat umah dier sampai berbulan2 tak balek. but his family really loves me. takyah pikir mase depan. everyday cumer nak enjoy jek. clubbing 3 times a week without fail. sampai dah pandai buat tattoo ni sumer. hancor hidop ako. but luckily, god stil want to save me n end our relationship. from dat day onwards, i made a vow to myself. lepas ni, the guy i'm going to be with, will be my husband. dah malas dah. percaye tak? hari2 ako doa kalau ako matair lepas ni, org tu yg akan jadi laki ako.

15th : Wen I reached 21 yrs old, guess wat? jumpe yg nombor 15 ni, org yg paling ako syg. Razak Mohamad. skg dah pon jadi tunang ako, n one day akan jadi suami ako. doa ako dimakbulkan. takyah lah ako cerita pasal dier ni sal story yg no. 15 ni will never end. hopefully he will make me happy til the end of my life.

2008-01-29T04:42:00.000-08:00

feeling frustrated right now. there's no reason to be so pissed juz becoz i cant come over tonite. i noe u said its ok but its not dat i had known u last week. evrything turns cold wen dis thing happened. for god sake, who are u to stop me from going back to my own house. it is stil my house and i still have a responsibility. i may be ur fiancee but dat does not mean dat i have to listen to u wen it comes to i have to be at home. i've gave in too many.

all u do is to compare my life and ur life which will never end. u complaint too much wen u have to stay over at my house. even though i had alot of siblings but in dat house, i am responsible for the household chores. if i didnt do it, my mum will do it. n u noe wat? she worked 12hrs everyday. wats the use of her giving birth to a daughter who cant help out. u can say u have to be at home but do u even care whether i have to be at my own home to take care of everything? sometimes u juz think abt urself. we had talked abt dis before and we agreed that u will not force or stop me from going back to my home. but it the attitude dat u wont change from being stubborn. as if u are forcing me to suggest dat we shud have our time off. watever lah! i'm through! juz wan to forget everything n be happy!

2008-01-10T17:08:00.000-08:00

it feels great to get 2 days off to juz chill around. forget abt work and forget about everything dat stressed me out. nothing can compare than spending ur time wit mum.

i tink dis is the time wen u reali have to take a break. need to be by our own self for a while. maybe its good for him also. need some space to think abt our life. dats the best. lets time decides everyting. and who noes, absence make the heart grow fonder.

2007-12-31T02:39:00.000-08:00

wat a bad weekend i had. its really bad dat i myself cant tolerate wit. i almost lost dis relationship. i dun noe whether i am the problem here or its our problem dat i cant face. it is sad to say dat we dun have dat anger management. showing temper at each other, not letting out wat we actuali dun feel happy about. we always had the thinking dat others can read our mind.

juz keeping silent wont let everyting at ease but in fact, heating up the situation. dats our weakness. a weakness which we did talked about how to overcome but in the end, nothing was applied when it comes to the real thing. thereafter, same things occured.

in dis picture, i had the higher level of egoism. i always noe i am rite but wen he is wrong, i will say dat causes fire out of the flame. wen he is wrong, he will admit but put it as he is giving in. i noe i cant change him coz dats how he was brought up. i tried not to let it out hurting his feelings. but wen i didnt let it out, it caused pressure inside me n wen its going to burst, instead of letting it out in a positive way, in turns to negative. therefore, the war began.

i cant tell how far dis thing will go on dat way. its too frustrating to have my relationship as if like both of us were scooping out buckets of water throwing it out from a sinking ship in a strong tide not letting it drowned by the big waves.

mY pAst pt 2

2007-12-22T23:06:00.000-08:00

dis is the part 2 of my past. well, talking abt the mat beside me, its normal. so we've met up n proceed to my fav club, tunnel!! n of coz i can see the the jealousy face from adek angkat kak ana wen he sees me wit hezri. too bad man. jgn shiok sendiri k. haha!

through halfway in the club, kak ana suddenly pulled me n introduced me to her guy's little brother who kak ana never mentioned abt. guess wat?? dat guy is the mat i sat nxt to juz now in the train!. haha! n of coz he teased me, 'tak bawak buku?' hmmm.. perli nampak.

we get along pretty well . i tot dat will be the end but the next day, he msg me. obviously, he took my number from kak ana. he came to my block wanted to see me. so dats wen our relationship started. it was sweet at first. in the morning on every weekend, he always wait for me under my void deck n we will go b'fast together. we met everyday even wen i wanted to go to the shp downstairs or bored at home, i will call him down to meet me. he introduced me to his family n spent sometimes over at his place.

after 6 mths, everything start to turns sour. he's always wit his werk n neglected me. i only spend time wit him at his place during his day off or his free time. wen i talked to him abt it, he will juz said dat he needs to werk in order to have money to go out wit me. but hey! everyone else do werk but still spend time wit their love ones not like him who had never take me out ever since i get to noe him. he always accused me having another affair for no reason. n wen he had to werk for one day not allowed to go back, he will accused me meeting other guys wen he is not around. wit all dis arguement, my love grew thinner. 2 days be my b'day, we quarrel again at his place. dis time i juz leave his house without a word. we did not contact each other the whole nite. on my b'day, not even his msg wishing me happy b'day. i was so furious dat i take dat its over between me n him. the day after, wen he called to check on me, i juz say dat our relationship has ended. he was mad wit my decision n accused me of having a scandal dat caused dis breakup. i juz hung up feeling great to have my freedom back.

a few days later, he msg me wanting me n begging me to take him back. but by then, there is no more feelings towards him n its impossible to have him back to my life. but he never gave up. he msg me almost everyday to check how am i doing n wanting to wait for me to open my heart for him. 'u are meant for me, i'm sori to neglect u n always put priority to my werk, i'm willing to change for u, i cant forget u' dats wat he always said to me to win my heart.

after awhile, i had a new guy, a few mths later, we broke up, new guy again, broke up again. everytime i bumped into him, it will be a different guy i am wit. nevertheless, he still wait for me. at one time, i do tink of giving him another chance since he willing to wait for me for almost 3 years even he saw me wit so many guys.

one nite, i called him dat i want to meet him. wit the happiness to his voice, he waited for me at my void deck. he brought me to dis place where we 1st met after the clubbing nite. he recapped on some of the things he missed so much abt me. like how he stopped me from scratching my body coz he noes i had a sensitive skin. i will leave some marks on my body wen i scratch. he noes i love to drag my slippers wen i walked. he way i always nagged at him wen he did sometink wrong.

wenever he tried to hold me, i will move back coz i noe i cant love him anymore. after dat, he bought me my fav drink n send me to my doorstep like he used to do. he kissed my forehead n said dat he was hoping dat he will meet me again. i juz smiled n turn away coz i noe dat will be my last time meeting him.

the nxt morning, he called me saying dat he was at my void deck n wanted to bring me 4 b'fast. but i juz turn him down. all he wanted was to see my face. but i stay firm not wanting t see him.

a year later, i told him dat i had found the right guy n i'm getting engaged. he sounds sad n told me to tink abt it again. i mean wat i said n told him to forget me. but he rebelled. until the nite wen we bumped n he saw me wit him. he juz smiled n dat was the last time i heard from him.

mY pAst

2007-12-22T11:23:00.000-08:00

sometimes i miss my old life. if only i could wish to rewind those times and do everyting all over again. but afterall, i love my current life now juz dat can i do wat i did again?? hehe

dis is not a story but wat had happened before. not to recap but to flashback. wth! haha

dis is wat u call fate.

i can clearly remember the night. i'm 18 n wat do u expect. legal age to go to dat night spot. u noe, i was tiny winy bit of fanatic back den n it was my 3rd night stepping to dat place. now lets cut the story short. i dun have a whole day k.

well, i'm meeting kak ana and her guy tagged along wit her adek angkat which i saw before from my 2nd clubbing session. he was damn gatal wit me. n i'm not ok wit dat coz he is NEVER! wat i meant was he was not handsome. he had those manly look but wat turns me of is dat he was quite childish and cheeky towards me. i was expecting a 'abang2' kind u noe those who chill in a corner and keep staring at u as if u are the only heartmelting girl there among the others.. fuuhh! takleh angkat! so dis time, i bring my ex, hezri along. he is the most handsome ex i had. but we are still gd frens till now. so, meeting hezri at ct hall n i'm taking a train from lakeside. i didnt actuali observed ppl around me u noe. the train arrived n stepped into it try to maintain ayu coz u noe, last cabin.. hehe! but no seat for me. haiz. got to stand by the door waiting for any asshole to alight. after 2 stns, ppl were alighting and i dashed to this only seat left. theres a mat beside but i juz pretend i never see n sit. quite a long journey so i decided take a book and read. (wat the fuck sia did i brought the book to club!!!) so after dat, i was feeling uneasy sitting beside to dis mat melayu who i sense was glancing at me. maybe he tink its funny for a girl in that outfit reading a book. haha! ok. theres someting going to happened between me and dat guy. i will continue in my next post. tata!

2007-10-21T09:20:00.000-07:00

good morning starshine! earth says hello!

haha! juz come back from my last midnight shift of the week. so tiring but its ok i'm fine though. feels great last nite wen i blow off this bloody asshole human being who tried their best to check in without any IC. wat the fuck sia. they think i will let them off easily? they can kiss my ass! haha! feel sorry for making them feel irritated yesterday but i'm doing my job.

i really dun quite realise that dis few season i get irritated and mad easily. and i mean very easy. during mood swings, it gets even worse but really, its out of my control. i've been like dis ever since before i knew ayg. easy said, ever since i'm with dis mangkok known as sakai. well, he is a matrep and i thought i might had been influenced by his life. u noe, they kinda pissed off easily over small little things. and my character realli change. i dare to blow people off wen they make me unhappy. even if sakai pissed me, i blew his head off too. dats why i think i'm not scared with anybody anymore. aside from my siblings especially mira who will describe me as a fierce sister of her who will really shout in her frightened innocent face wen she did something that really rises my temperature.

yeah there it goes. i cant control my anger. even strangers who purposely hit my butt in a crowded place, i will really looked back and " hoi! c***i !" and to those irritating sleepyheads in a train who will doze off any second gonna lie onto my shoulder i will definitely hit them by the side to wake them up.

so, i'm not like those dumber who will put her head down and do wat as she was told without even thinking that others are trying to fool her. maybe that was before and someone did changed my life. but the disadvantage is, i must not go to far by losing respect to others especially ayg. throughout my relationship with him, i've been scolding and raising my voice to him which i noe it is completely wrong! i've been too demanding and too strict towards him. but still, hanging on for the sake of love. its true wat he always told me. if i'm with other guy, he might had leave me coz of my attitude. i really damn appreciate his sacrifices. i cant imagine how my life will be like without someone like him.

but i'm sure one day, he will adapt to who i am and wat i am and i think he already did. the end.

ceh2. ending dah mcm novel lak. klah dozing off now.. zzzzzzzz

2007-10-20T08:47:00.000-07:00

here i am again blogging. i'm hme from my nite shift. the time now is exactly 0848hrs in the morning and as for the weather, its raining and cold out there rite outside the window infront of me. thks God, i will sure to treasure my sleep later.

its good to be at home and i mean my own home. this will offend ayg but accept the fact that there's no place like home. this is the dilemma i'm having rite now. ayg need me as much as my family needs me ( i think.. ......... hey!! of coz lah! dun tell me they dun need me and will run away from home!)

frankly, i really wants to stay as long as i want with him but to think of it, i still wants to be with my family which i treasure so much lately ( coz i noe i will miss all the fun and laughter with them. *sorry abah, that excludes u* after i'm married to ayg in 2 years time). its so sad thinking of it actuali. i will stay away from my mum & siblings. in the other hand, i'm happy to live with ayg throughout the rest of my life. i realli love him as much as i love my family. now dats a confession u will never hear it from my mouth. if only we can stay under one roof. ayg and my family. cant imagine the havoc.

ok cukop! nanti tak pasal2 nangis lak sal touching sgt. heee...

*yawning* kk my eyes are demanding to be shut. dah takleh continue. nanti tertido blog tak post uat penat jek ako type. sweet dreamz to me!

2007-07-24T00:23:00.000-07:00

wow, dah lame seh tak blog... ni shikin tak abis2 keep pestering me to post. step dpt commision lak. hehe

hmm.. life had been enjoyable so far. in two more weeks, i'll be someone's fiance. fuhh!! nervous!

i dun noe abt yuz.. ppl seems to say abt him having a crush on me. actually, leh nampak ar ngan cara dier in every way. he is so comfortable being nxt to me. the way he talked and way, its like he had sumtink on his mind towards me. he even waited 4 me after werk juz to walk home with me. I ask halifi abt his point of view and wat he replied is, he tink so too dat yuz might had dis crush ting.

k takpe, at least he's aware of me getting engaged nxt mth. -dats the 1st question he asked me whether i'm attached. well, i'm not like wat i used to be b4. kalau dulu, memang ako ckp ako single. heee. so, i confessed. he did saw ayg b4 so i tink, i have no more guilt.

wen i 1st saw him, honestly i do admire him in some sort. he is very a polite and have a sense of respect kind of gentleman. i can see he do care abt me by telling me not to skip bfast and not to hold my pee 4 too long.

but hey, i'm not dat kind yg senang cair ngan guys eh. even though he liked me, there's noting i can do. i only love my ayg and rite now, i mish him soo much!

but today, i was stunt wen shirhan told me dat yuz confess to him dat he liked me. so my answer was, " ya, he liked me but as a werking colleague". and he keep trying to convince me. hmmmm.....

i misplaced my water bottle for the 2nd time wen i realised it dis morning. and the nxt time i knew it, it was kept by yuz in his locker coz i left it on the table the other day. dats kind of him but by all means, i may seem looked interested but not a germ of feeling was on him. anyways, to my darling, mish ur hugs!!!!

2007-05-22T20:37:00.000-07:00

i'm very hungry rite now. and kakcik is torturing me by not buying any kway teow for me and i'm very sad.

and she stil beside me sitting bandaging her unwounded knee. i tink she is being ridiculous by trying to hide some *7%$5&^ on her knee. sorry for not revealing bcoz it is a family personal matter.. lets stop crapping around. hahahaha!!!!

ok lets talk abt today. i had fun at werk.. y not, werking wit fun ppl. hehe.. dats y my time pass by so fast dat i didnt even realise its time to go back hme.

k gtg. my stomach is playing dis rnb music dat's gonna end til i have my food tomoro. adios!

2007-05-10T05:43:00.000-07:00

haizzz... i'm slacking now. ayg had gone to werk. he was here wit me at my werkplace accompany me since i started my shift. now dats sometink most guys wont do to their girlfrens.

i can see ayg reali love me so much. sometimes i feels dat he was overcontrolling me which gets me frustrated at times. well u noe, i'm the kind who can show tantrums if i feel i'm being controlled. even my parents have to let me have my freedom no matter wat. sometimes i feel like i'm already sumone's wife. i dont spend much time outside but at werk and wit him. can go out wit my frens like i used to be, cant go anywhere i feel like to and etc.

even there's dis 'hamba Allah' told me to think twice whether to continue my relationship with him. " baru matair dah control camni, kalau dah kahwin camner agaknyer" dats wat he said which keep me thinking.

BUT, wen i think abt it, it shows dat he reali love me and not wanting to lose me. dats wat i see. he's been the one who had been saving our relationship from drowning. he sacrificed alot though.

n i appreciate him alot. God had given me dis load of love to me which wat i've wanted in my life.

in 3 mths, i'll be engaged wit him.. cant wait for the big day. and 2 years after dat, we will be geting married and live together under one roof and make baby.. heeee

Hope we will stay on hold together till death do apart us.. Amen

2007-04-27T14:10:00.000-07:00

i'm totally freaking out now. i feel i wana give up in life. i cant seem to be happy wit anyone. y ar? who is actually my true prince who have the total package?

er nvm lah. i tink i juz have to follow fate that writen for me. cant object. maybe there is sometink gd might happen in the future well i dont noe. i cant tink straight!

i stil wan to enjoy my life! i dont care! this prison is getting me boiling down deep inside.

hmm... actually, i dun understand wat i've typed above. i tink i getting out of here b4 my fingers dancing on more craps onto dis keyboard. chiao!

2007-04-21T04:02:00.000-07:00

wooohoooo!!! welcome back man!... er.. i mean girl! oh my goodness, did u see wen is my last post dated on? miss dis blogging stuffs.. actuali i'm not dat so damn bz until i cant even post a single blog, its juz dat i tink i had notink to say .. erm.. actuali alot of things. n shikin had been asking me "kak? asal dah tak blog agik?" hehee. dis tells me one thing. ade jugak yg ikot perkembangan.

well, for the past one mth, alot of changes happened. one, i'm losing some weight, imagine, i was 60kg on the early april, and now i'm 57kg!!

oh no! i tink i'm getting dis ache in my head suddenly. i gotta leave. will continue tomoro aite.

need to sleep now. nitez

2007-03-14T15:06:00.000-07:00

i need to be alone. ya dats it. i need to calm everyting down. i noe i shudnt have did dat but i have no choice. better to be silent rather than putting on gasoline to a flame. i want to explain but i might be judge as always being the right one. i cant seem to let go of my thots.

gosh, dis cramp i have is kiling me!

i'm losing trust. losing confident i had in him. is he not reali prepared or he juz want to spend his younger days some more? i noticed him. his guiltiness kept me uneasy.

lets be more straight forward now. i noe he didnt notice me noticing him. wat do u tell if he is hiding things he typed to a girl in msn? typing things wen i left the room n minimize it wen i'm around. going to chatrooms looking for more contacts. still have the urge to have more females contacts in his list of frens in frenster n to make things worst, changed his status so dat girls dun mind be fren with him n more attractive if he has his pic standing behind the bar?. so does dis tells me dat he is not prepared to reveal his true status to everyone? why muz he denied abt all dis by telling me i am the only one in his heart but no one else?

he neglected abt work coz of spending too much time in chatroom meeting new ppl the whole nite. meeting ppl without having my acknowledge n perhaps, he might meet more chatters in the future.

so, how am i suppose to be confident dat he is faithful to me? i had enuf af all dis. i guess i will do it my way. i can go out and mit my long lost frenz, go anywhere i wanted to n be like wat i'm used to be before. its notink wrong rite as long i always had him in my heart. to be fair n no pressure to both parties. he wud be very happy to get his freedom back n so do i.

2007-03-14T01:24:00.000-07:00

going back to live on my own life. cant seem to trust anyone. tried to but sometink keep happening behind my back. i dont want to find out wat it is coz i dont want to noe! wat for i'm going to look for pain rite?

my life is changing. how do i say? losing dat grip? ya i suppose. tried to hold on but he is playing games wit me. playing hide n seek? so i dun tink i'm going to fly any higher. gravity might pull me down to earth. no use of hoping for sometink u worth dream of.so i will juz fly neutrally while keep hanging on to the branches of the trees around me.

today, my past seems to be calling me back. isit coincidence or .... i guess god wan to turn around the wheels. wat goes around comes around. so, meaning sometink reali happening behind my back n god wans me to do the same ting.

my long lost 'scandal' is back! he did remember me afterall. so are we gona keep back in contact or juz be as it is.. its been a year! those grinding reali gave me a short flashback. haha! n out in the blue moon, sakai called me. i'm juz wondering why is he so stubborn wit all the warnings he gets from me? well, i had no choice. even if i change my number a thousand times, he will still keep track on tracking me. i tink my forehead had been choped as sakai's ex wherever i go.

wen wil i get a decent life?? will somebody help me to guide my way?? pls God! dun smash my heart again. i juz wan to be treasured and feel special. rite now, i dun tink i'm feeling dat way coz everyting was jumbling all over.

2007-03-12T21:12:00.000-07:00

notink new in my life. misery,misery.. i tink he juz get misunderstood. wen wil i ever get dat security in a stable life? i feel abit upset coz it seems dat he took life so easy. i'm juz waiting for him to get a stable job to stay throughout his entire life. but wat he is looking for is job dat he worth of trying. til wen he want to try out jobs n keep changing until he finds out the one which reali suits his taste?

i'm not pressurring him but y do such a small advise wil make someone blast off his temper?

frankly, i'm not to desperate to get married so early but how many years does he need to find dat suitable job to stick wit til he will start his savings? if he's gona take 1 year juz to find a decent job, he will take another almost 4 years to reach his savings on target. so, does dis tell me dat i have to wait for another 5 years? i dont mind if he wil take several years for his savings but wen wil he start? nxt 2 years?

i noe dat he need more time but wil he tink dat my mother wil give me dat time staying over at his house for several years without any formal attach? i dont tink so. he gets frustrated wenever i cant stay at his hme more longer but i also do feel frustrated being said from mom dat i cant always stay at his house so often since i'm not married to him. so, how long shud i endure wit dis?? how many years muz i take to frequently changing a place to stay without my mom's full approval? n how many years do he have to show a long face to me wen i'm not able to spend the nite wit him? so isit wrong if i said dat he only tink abt himself instead tinking of my situation also?

n wit the job hopping attitude, i dont noe if he reali gona bring it forward to his marriage life. i guess my dream to be a housewife taking care of my children wil vanish in the air. i supposed i'm born to have a fate juz like mom. hey! no way! my mom told me to find a responsible husband to take care of me throughout my life. i'm not going to have the same fate as mom n i dont tink she want dat way either. haiz.. lets see how it goes..

2007-03-09T05:13:00.000-08:00

feeling fucking sucks today. do i have to call myself an evil witch? y am i so mean towards a person who reali loves me so much? maybe i keep thinking abt my past n i'm not going to let anymore guys taking any advantage of me. i've been so nice before n i'm not going to have someone climb onto my head.

but wats past is past rite? i cant always think dat i might being fooled again. no i dont think so. i do hope he reali understand dat wat i had done has a reason behind it. i dont want myself to get hurt. n i cant help to wait for wat's unexpected.

i knew i had ask for separation once. its not bcoz dat i dun love him but i have to see my future at its best state in his hand. i have to choose a rite person. i'm willing to sacrifice if it concerns my future.

the next thing is, i'm tired of arguements. dilemma in which i have to concern 2 hearts. him and my mum. why do we have to argue whenever i have to listen to my mum? ayg, if u are reading dis, i hope wat i've let out here to make some sense to u. i do reali love u n i'm always there for u but i cant be physically always there nxt to u. i'm sick of the quarrels we had due to dat problem n i had to be the victim of ur anger coz i'm not there beside u. haiz... i reali cant say anymore n i noe u're aware of dis problem. i juz have to let god to quicken our marriage so dat i dun have to go thru dis kind of difficulties anymore.

2007-02-27T23:46:00.000-08:00

i dun noe y i feel damn SUCKS today. it seems like sumtink is going on behind my back n i'm reali sure abt dat. i juz need confirmation to discover the truth. i dun wan to say it coz i dun wan to get myself hurt wit all the wild things dat is in my mind.

haizzz... i dun like dis feeling. it makes me wana give up all the hopes i have. reali i'm not joking.

i think my solution is, disappear for the time being and make myself uncontactable. hmm.. gd idea. now dat will make myself better. i'm gonna catch up wit all the stuffs i've missed out like... hehe not telling u.

gosh! i'm feeling reali uneasy. but for sure, i'm not going to get myself hurt again infact, i will do

exactly wat dat brings me to dis kind of sucking thots.

hey if u guys failed to reach me in any way, juz forget it coz i'm not entertaining anyone at the moment. i'm off to my past coz u had brought up all the faking bullshits! and i'm not convinced wit wat u said.

fuck off u womanizer!

2007-02-27T09:37:00.000-08:00

lets talk abt sumtink different now. today, i wana talk abt guys and how i see them thru their behaviour.

we have different categories of dem. the one which i'm going to talk abt are playboys. we oso have severals kinds of playboys here.

the 1st kinds are those good-looking n cute ones who flings around wit every tempting ladies whom dey met but no offence for those who are singles. more freedom and choices. dis is the common type so i will not talk any further abt it.

the nxt one is the kind which i find myself reali hilarious. dey act like one but unfortunately God do give dem a low average looking. i shud not say dey ugly coz it sound too discriminated. dey wud go around 'flirting' wit those pretty girls, 'sweet talk' like one and behave like one but for god sake, dey made the girls juz wants to push dem aside and puke by juz looking at their ' not very the handsome' face.hehe.. i've experience one though. reali makes me giggle by their over high self esteem.

nxt, those playboys who are attached. dis is my favourite part. a playboy well known by the girls who always fling around but at the same time attached and faithful to one. the girl who he faithful to might be stressful with his kind of life but no matter how many times the girl wans to leave, he wil always hold on to her and convince her dat she's the only one he loved. dis is cool u noe coz no matter how many girls cling onto his arm, he wil always point out to the one he love by saying, "dats my future wife"

hmmm.. suddenly reminds me of the past. i used to be dat girl. he told everyone he knew dat i'm the one. even wen he flings around infront of my eyes, he will always come to me. no matter how i tried to leave him b4, he wont ever let me go even though he had more others to choose from. but too bad, i cant have such living although i noe he loved me so much n trying to win me back.

the nxt type which i hate the most are those who are attached but behind her back, he change his status to get more attentions from other girls. well, he might be very damn faithful to one girl and decide to live his life wit her but still going around looking for more. he hide his real status and wont show any symptomsor clue to say dat he is attached. dis behaviour reali sucks. i think the girls wil be more prefer to be wit the faithful playboy den dis one. MAY YOU ROT!

2007-02-23T20:14:00.000-08:00

been a busy week. doing morning all the way and i've been sleeping early every nite. hmm.. gd progress. hehe

not in the mood actuali. i dun noe why. alot of things are in my mind i dun noe how to express dem.

i dun noe if dis decision made for me shud make me down or not. yesterday, my mum eventuali decide dat i shud not stayover at ayg's house anymore. i was so surprise intially for her to make a decision after she gave me a green light to let me overnite there all dis while.

so i asked her why?

so my mum did had a talk with ayg's mum regarding dis. well, as a parent, i reali understand the feelings to have a nosey neighbour who care abt other family more den their own. wat my mum said, ayg's mum was uncomfortable with the neighbour for me to stay over day and night without having any relationship with dem. n especially his sister had been reminding his mum not to let me overnite so often as neighbour might say bad thing abt dem.

so after hearing dat, i'm abit upset coz i dun tink i can stay over at his hse anymore. i dun want his neighbour to say bad things abt his mum. i need to respect her as she will eventuali be part of my family. dis is the thing i have to endure for having staying over his hse very often. now, i have to respect both his mum n my mum's decision n i have to follow no matter wat even though it is tough for me.

so the problem is, how am i going to talk to ayg abt dis? i dun wan him to think dat i've made up all the stories for a reason not to stay over at his hme anymore. i realy feel guilty n feel very wrong to let ayg's mum in a bad situation all dis while. Dear God, pls give me strength to encounter all problems against us.. Amen

2007-02-19T09:14:00.000-08:00

i've been outside hme for the last 3 days n i'm having dis word called fatigue. ayg's sis had organised dis family outing and booked a chalet at east coast so dats where i had been spending my two nites at. its an occasionally event so i do feel honoured to be invited as well as my family. so dis was actuali the time for us to gather n get those bondings closer.

it was chinese new year btw so dats the perfect timing to have such organisation.

but too bad for me, i still had to werk for those days n the most miserable part was, i was placed in the morning shift. gosh! can u imagine how hard for me to drag my feet to werk from there? its a weakness i have to endure which i had over with it.

my back now is aching coz i've been sleeping on the hard floor for the past two nites n i'm feeling extra excited to have to go back hme n comfort myself to a comfy bed.

next, lack of sleep. i supposed no one will ever sleep early on dis kind of occasion. let it be 1 am in the morning, u can still see ppl running here n there, shouting n screaming while playing their self entertaining games n activities.

the 1st nite i spent was from my afternoon shift wen i proceed directly from werk so its not too bad except for tiredness i had from werk. n worst, i was waken up by fifi at 7am coz sumone called for MC. i was abit pissed for the moment coz i slept at almost 4am n i was called to report to werk in 2 hrs time instead of my scheduled shift which starts at 11am. i had no choice but to wake ayg up to tell him dat i had to get ready to werk. i dun wan to rush myself coz i wil get myself giddy for the lack of sleep. so i slowly get up n make myself at ease by having my little b'fast by the sea. it did make me feel better. i took one straight bus n luckily, i arrived earlier den expected.

i tot by coming early to werk, i might be able to go back early as my mum is joining us for the 2nd nite but how pissed i am wen another evening shift called for mc. i had to stretch til 7pm n due to busy, i released myself at almost 8pm. i reached back at east coast at 9pm.

i had to sleep early coz i'm starting my shift at 7am the nxt day but u noe lah the situation. i only able to sleep at around 1am. so i tot 4hrs of sleep might be enuf but unfortunately, i was waken up the aches from my back at 3.30 am. i've been tossing n turning to get back to sleep but i woken up for every 10 mins due to my back pain n the chattings surrounding me for those who dun feel like sleeping. its been like dat til 5am wen my alarm rang. time to werk. i was so sleepy rite now. today, i'm not stretching any minutes. i'm going back on the dot no matter wat. tomoro is my off day n i'm going to cover up all the sleeps n rests i've lacked.

dun ever try to stop me or u will get some free eyeshadow complimentary from me!

2007-02-16T21:27:00.000-08:00

ok i'm gettin bored now. there's notink to do in here! since i started my shift. i feel like a zombie walking around. haiyoh!! the time passes so damn slow! ok. notink much to update coz there's notink happening going on today. after werk, i'm following ayg to celebrate his boss's bday, maybe. lets see wat will come. hope its gonna be interesting. i reali do hope so coz i can become crazy with all the quietness surrounding me! ZzZzzzzzzzz

2007-02-15T08:57:00.000-08:00

hey! i'm home!! alright!

here i am in front of dis pc. i reali said some prayers b4 switching it back on. hehe. who noes dis thing might show some unsatisfaction towards me.

i stepped into my doorstep, head towards my room, took off my watch n grab a piece of my fav sausage with a yoghart drink, with my magic finger i pressed on the switch button. there was a beep sound but to my happiness, it goes only once den the screen appeared onto the monitor.fyuuhh! wat a relief. i began to treasure every icon on the desktop, the photo on my wallpaper n my internet.now i can sleep in peace. hehe. no more worries. but i wont forget abt my vow earlier on. its a must!

gtg now. deadly tired. but 1st, gotta wash up. i'm not going to bed with tshirt n jeans with my make up on rite? muz wear sometink dat i feel the sensation of freedom so i can have my beauty sleep. gonna put my hp to the silent mode n those who interupt by waking me up without any valid reason wil be executed!

2007-02-15T03:31:00.000-08:00

today is the 14th of Feb in other words, it valentines day. cant celebrate though coz of a few valid reasons.

1. i'm doing midnite for the past day

2. ayg oso bz wit werk

3. i dun tink i need to celebrate it.

but i do feel a bit jealous lah wen most of the girls out there received pretty red roses. well, i reali love rose especiali those dark red ones. they 're pretty you noe dat? frankly, in my whole 22 years of life, i had never received any flowers or roses on v'day. ey, dun get the wrong idea by thinking i'm too ugly to have someone to give me flowers on v'day. by coincidence, on every 14th feb in every year, i'm in a single status. i'm only attached to any shithead on either b4 it reaches 14th feb or after dat. coincidence or bad luck huh?

but its ok. as per ayg, there's always nxt year to celebrate. maybe dis time he will bring me to a grand restaurant for a candle lit dinner just for the two of us and wit a bouquet of my fav red roses, he will kneel down in front of me n propose me... khakhakha! stupid lah iza! *bursting into laughter* cudn't imagine myself in dat kind of fairy tale. hahaha!!

ok2. there's one more thing i wan to update in here. IT'S MY COMPUTER!!! dis mrning, wen i wanted to switch it on, it goes.."beep.... beep.....beep..." oh no!!!! it reminds me of ayg's pc wen eventualy it cant be switched on forever! Oh my goodness heaven! i was speechless at dat point of time. alot of things running thru my mind. all my pics, my photos, my songs n everything, gonna be history!! i can bear to have dis drastic change in my life!

so i try not to be panic. i went to sleep n after i woke up in the afternoon, i tried to on it again. unfortunately, those beeping sounds makes not much diff. haiZ... i cant express much sadness now coz around after midnite juz now, my 3rd sis msg me saying dat the pc can be switched on. so, i'm again, speechless and i was like duhh! is my pc showing me some kind of attitude here?? asshole pc!! play with my feelings! by dis week, i'm gonna transfer all my datas n my personal items to a safer place to store while i'm gonna reboot dat stupid monster. dis is my vow b4 its too late.Amen

2007-02-08T08:41:00.000-08:00

nice morning indeed. today is my off day and i'm gonna spend it wisely by lying on the bed and travel to my favourite paradise, dreamland. been 2 nites doing alone all by myself and so far i'm doing quite well. notink unexpected happened n lets see in nites to come. looking forward though how worst it might be. hehe

and dis morning, i'm feeling quite strange or rather unusual. i'm missing ayg even though i've been seeing him almost everyday. he had shifted near to my werk place. apparrently, we met up even wen at werk. (during breaks of coz)

so its rather strange to be missing someone whom u met every single day unless u are juz in a relationship for a couple of days when u started to miss him/her even after 15mins since u last saw each other.

to be particular, i miss his hugs n kisses. not to be gross but frankly i'm used to dat cuddling2 kind of pampering i always get from him. miss his morning b'fast he always made for me and the way he hold me reali tight. even though i always met him, we had to maintain ourself you see coz we were in public n especially me to be in uniform wenever i'm wit him. so there is a limit i had to endure. i had to keep my watch even wen i wan to give him a peck.

so, i guess dats the reason why i miss him for one kind today. his warmth. tonite, i'm gona spend time wit him. the end....

2007-02-05T00:37:00.000-08:00

its been awhile now n many things happened recently in my life. no time to update since all the interns were back to school n we had to stretch 2 hrs late. tomoro, i'm doing midnite ALONE. kind of excited but nervous at the same time. hopefully everything went smoothly heh.

lets stop talking abt werk now. i tink i've said enuf in all my postings. regarding my personal life, apparently, went reali down a few days ago. n i mean reali off the edge. but i guess fate do wants us to stay on. i almost give up with life. or do i say, i almost fail to get thru things. i had dis mindcept dat i could run away from all my problems without even thinking abt the outcome dat would worsen the situation.

i took small things so big. i dun even realise the heart i've hurt whom the one i love. i reali didnt mean to or maybe my anger had took control. i dont want to do anything that will make my life miserable. i cant even bear to go on with life without him. he is too close to my heart n will always be. never i would dream abt leaving him coz i reali cant. no matter how much i hate, it wouldnt take a single bit of my love away from him. he wil be my lifetime companion. i cant get the care he gave to me from anyone else. he did too much for me. i can reali see how great is his love towards me. i wil not abandon it. Thanks God, u had gave me wat i wanted in life, LOVE. U 've answered my prayers. now, i had him n wil always belongs to me. he had the right to take care of me. i wont lose him n wil always love him til my last breath. i promise....

2007-01-28T01:32:00.000-08:00

half an hr to end my shift BUT 1 and the half hr to wait for my transportation to depart and i had notink to do rite now. seriously, it was damn fucking relax today at werk. i started my shift at 5pm and there were abt 13 more arrivals to go. gedebak gedebuk, went for break n came back at 8pm, 3 arrivals left. chit chat here, mingling there, stil the time remained to be dormant.

i do suggest playing catching wit kai to let time pass but u noe we wont do dat rite for god sake. funny isit to run around the lobby wearing uniform? haha! reali cant imagine if dat reali happen in our lobby. imagine the happy faces patched on each other faces trying to avoid the other catcher to tap u n... kk stop it! my imagination reali makes me giggles for a second. hehe.

talked to ayg juz now and we are getting along well after those quarrellings and arguements. well, if you guys are meant to be together, no matter how u hate dem, u will love dem even more eventuali. its common lah in a relationship to have these 'colourful' experience. its a way to get to noe each other more better.

2nite, he's gonna cook lontong goreng wit hotdog for me.. yum yum!! muz go back wit an empty stomach. hehe. ok now, i'm out of ideas. shall update more wen the time comes. astalavista bebeh!

2007-01-25T03:54:00.000-08:00

i'm getting damn fucking bored nowadays with my life. i dunoe how to express it or to anybody.. i feel like a lone ranger wondering around in dis world looking for some peace. i dun even tink to express it to huda coz she oso had her marvellous huge problems to solve so i wudnt want to burden her even more wit mine.

how shud i put dis?? hmm.... yes u guessed it. some downs happened n i dun tink it wud ever be solve. dats my predicts. n i dun noe wen it wil last. i oso dun noe how small my body wil shrink by having to carry all dis aches.. n my mum will oways keep hinting me abt my size nowadays. oways pretending to call me shikin by mistake n commented dat my body is shrinking to shikin's size ( she's the thinnest member in my family coz the rest are bound to e more 'huge') wat can i say, she wil continue to feed me wit all those fattening food at hope dat i wil gain my weight abit more. i noe dat wil nvr werk coz problems will come again one after another.

okay. i'm stress now. wit ayg. its seems dat i cant have my say towards him. if i said sometink dat i wud think, he wud go around saying dat i'm the one who always right. he gets irritated easily wit wat i said. i cant comment, suggest or say any of his wrongdoings. he wil get frustrated n therefore jump into arguements. every man do has his ego but i think for dis case, it is too much.. he cant accept on everything. how to go on a relationship if dis how we try to handle things. dun tell me i cant say anything bad to him and pretending dat wat he thinks is always right.

by defending himself, he told me dat i'm totally different from the time before i werk in dis hotel.. its not dat i'm different but the situation b4 i'm werking n after i'm werking make dis change.. i noe dat i'm more loving b4 bcoz i'm not werking. i can used all my energy to cook for him, to clean his room, to entertain him since i'm 24 hrs free. but now, 80% of my energy is at werk. i used it at least 8 hrs to werk, 8 hrs of sleep n the rest, to relax. i had to handle my stress at werk den handling stupid matters which are not important. n now, i do need to care abt my sleeping time and with my family. if u said dat i'm different now, do i even bother to sleep over at ur hme even frequent now?? he juz doesnt appreciate it. do i have the urge to spend most of my time with him rather den my own family n my closest fren? isnt dat a SACRIFICE dat i've made? does he even bothered? do he need to feel unacceptable if i had to log off early from msn juz to wake up for the nxt day early morning shift? kk.. relax iza. ur tears are flowing.. u're at werk damn it!!

its true dat if he said i juz dun care wit anything coz i'm sick of quarrelling n i dun wan these to affect my werk. i dun wan to lose my job coz i wan to make my mum smiling every the end of the mth receiving her allowance. i wan to lighten her burden. its not dat i dun care in a sense dat i dun love him. all he cud do is to frustrate me wit his stupid question to decide whether i wan to go on wit him since i didnt care abt him. wat the fuck?? how do i let him noe dat i'm terribly wants him to be part of my family? he juz wudnt understand.

sometimes i feel like having the urge to run away from all dis n get back to my past ownself. clubbing, flirting n enjoy life but i noe dis wil not going to be a good ending.. haizzz

gtg now before even more tears flowing( 2 tears juz dropped accidentally.. oops! lucky nobody saw. hee)

i jUz dUn gEt iT

2007-01-24T18:40:00.000-08:00

i juz dun get it! y muz ppl get misunderstood wit a little thing dat i've said? y muz be too emotional? dun tell me if ppl said dat u are an asshole n cant do any single thing, u will get pissed and giveup by teling urself dat its true dat i cant do anything instead of taking it as a challenge..

dis shows dat u are easily defeated juz by words. do u get it? i give u a scenario.....

"....u are in a battle with ur enemy. u had prepared everyting. ur mental, physical, all set for war. juz den, ur enemy blow u off by saying ' hey! dun waste ur time! no matter how well u did, u will eventuali die in my hands!' after hearing dat, u realised dat wat he said is true. u've prepared everything for dis battle and eventuali u will die. so, might as well u back off. u'd rather wasted all ur time wit ur preparations n trainnings den get killed juz a matter of seconds. hmmm... by reacting dat way, the country dat u are protecting, is now in ur enemies' hands.."

well, dats juz an example on how i wan to elaborate some one's way of thinking.. maybe i can say, i'm the one who acted like the 'enemy' in the scenario above.. those who noes me wil noe my way of sayings.. i dun go for positive motivations. nah! dats not my way.. i give all my critics so dat person wil feel dat he is being challenged. in dat way, he wil did all his very best to prove dat wat i've tot abt him was wrong..

ok dats it! i'll stop here. i'm still surveying which skin i shud change in my blog.. soooo many awesome ones til i dont noe which one to choose! heee

doing midnite later.. and one more nite til my day off! yeah baby

iN 20 mINs....

2007-01-21T14:45:00.000-08:00

another 20 mins til i end my break.. n i have to spend my lunch here at the back office.. waliaowei! fucking sleepy sia!! it was so damn bz in the morning where most of the werk is done by me while the other party enjoying taking her own swit time werking n walking n minggling n FUCKING!!! pissed me off!.. she can slowly2 do her werk while i'm rushing like a mad dog beside her.. n guess wat, 2moro morning, wit dat bitch again!.. she reali spoilt my gd morning mood man! enuf said of her! doesn't make any better n reali wasting my typings..

well, i'm planning to take a nap during my lunch break at the staff lounge but it was 'fully booked' by those who feel as miserably sleepy as me.. so, got to force my eyes open to endure another 20 mins to my closing ceremony.. hehe

and after dis, i reali can imagine myself falling asleep in the train! haha! but it was nice u noe to fall asleep while the train is shaking n turing to its nxt destination.. it feels like u are a baby im a cradle.. hehe

gosh! cant wait to reach hme n bang myself on the bed.. btw, i'm starving!!!

nOtInK tO Do

2007-01-17T02:34:00.000-08:00

hmmm......notink to do at dis point of time.. had enuf slip n i wonder wat time i'm going to doze off again later. doing mid shift tomoro.

now i reali feel deadly deppress abt my pc. keep hanging for every 20 mins or so.. haiz... wat if my pc blow off due to long hrs heat from the motherboard??? pls pls pls.. dear God! save my pc! i dun wan to lose all my datas!

relax iza..... think positively..

thinking of changing my blog skin. still doing some research so u wil see some changes in my blog soon.. cant wait rite? hehe me too..

pArT 2

2007-01-16T03:31:00.000-08:00

wow! its been 15 days since my last blogging and dats equivelent to half a mth. n having said dat, its another half a mth til i get to withdraw new crispy blue notes out of the mouth of an ATM machine. hehe. i was in a middle of blogging actuali 1 wk ago wen i was interupted by some iritating bastards. haha
now comes the PART 2, the continuation of my PART 1. and dat was the 2nd last argueing session i had wit ayg. the last one was 1 wk ago wen i had troubles updating. n dun get misunderstood by thinking dat i only post in my blog only wen i had bad times wit him. nope2.
its juz dat if i get reali too frustrated, dis site wil be the shoulder for me to cry on. n no matter how bz i am or some idiots trying to interupt me wit my blogging, i wil stil post in my dissatisfaction in here juz to make myself abit better. n i muz say is a priority if not i wil be having dis situation called STRESS!!
here i am at werk doing my last midnite shift b4 i actuali 'enjoy' my day off later in the morning. n my eyes are struggling to show me a signal dat dey nid some rest. well, i might have a nap later wen i'm done if i feel i wan to since i have a back up.
dis hotel indeed is a gd place for those gerls who feel like having a break for their eyes by looking at those gd-looking guys werking here. i'm not saying all but a few. n the rest u stil can judge dem as average looking. in fact the HR are not going to employ those ugly ones. well dats wat i find out from my manager. dey only employ handsome n pretty tall guys n girls in the frontdesk department. i muz say dats the 1st impression wen guest came in from the lobby entrance, to see a luxurious check-in counter, wit beautiful n handsome staffs standing at the back greeting to welcome dem. hehe.
well, dis is actuali my main problem werkin here. not bcoz of the job but the personal one. for those who are actuali in a relationship might have difficulties in trusting their partners to werk in such environment. n dats wat i encountered. by reading in my previous post, i'm sure u get the idea on wat's my history like in the past. ya wat u call 'flirt'. i supposed werking in dis kind of place, u wil flirt. i dun deny it. but it it two different things wen u try to differentiate between 'flirting' n 'close to each other'.
its reali damn stress especiali wen ur partner always had dis mindcept dat u are flirting wenever u are werking wit ur male collegues. dun tel me u're forbidded to werk wit dem. might as well i werk in a place where dey dun employ guys. where? in a mosque where u have to get dat strong limitations towards the opposite sex. gosh! it seems dat trust is not there to support u. i understand if dey get jealous if u're to close wit dem in fact all of us do. even i do get jealous if ayg gets too close to other gerls but being asked wit whom u're werking wit is too ridiculous for u to put ur jealousy on. n after dat ur relationship gone down juz bcoz of dat. haiz.. i tink i stop here. my contact lens r getting dry. need to rest.

pArT 1

2007-01-02T08:54:00.000-08:00

problems in my relationship (again!). Gosh! i hate it! is these really problems we have to face or am i juz the problem maker?

Actuali, notink happen lah. no argueing, no quarrelling n stuff like dat. but i'm juz curious. n i'm not being said dat i dun trust him. i DO believe dat he reali love me so much. man! who can stand my attitude except for him. even how mean i did to him n how pain i gave him heartache, he stil confess dat he stil love me no matter wat i did to him. to prove dat, he reali came down to my fav uncle's crib during the hari raya n told him dat he's gona send his mum to propose me nxt yr. i actuali overheard their conversation n it reali sent me blushing.. heee

BUT........ to be continue wen i'm free... chiaoz!

sorrow

2007-01-01T23:42:00.000-08:00

sorrow, sank deep inside my blood. all the ones around me i cared for and loved. but i cant see myself dat way. pls dun forget me or cry wen i'm away.

dun mourn for me, you're not the one to place the blame as bottles called my name i wont see you tonite.

so far away, i'm gone. pls dun follow me tonite and while i'm gone everything will be alrite.

hApPy bUt sAd

2006-12-29T00:31:00.000-08:00

the title didnt make sense at all. 'happy but sad'.. wat the fuck?? hehe

anyways, dats wat i'm feeling rite now. i'm happy with some kind of situation but at the same time i'm feeling so sad on the other hand.

where shud i start? the 'happy' moments or the 'sad' situation. hmm... i guess shud start wit the sad one 1st so i wil end dis post wit a smile which will stretch my face muscles. hehe

well, as usual, not even a week, i quarrel wit ayg again. u noe wat? the arguement oways takes place wen i'm at hme online wit him in msn. we were like 2 different character in 2 different place. we were so loving, laugh at our jokes, make fun of each other, kissings n huggings as if we juz start our relationship. BUT, everytime i went back to my crib, all dat doent happen at all. instead, wen we chatted on msn, we were like finding faults n eventuali an arguement wil arise which wil make both of us stress wit each of our attitude. den, we wil mit for the sake of miting.

but, wen we mit, we were like notink happen to us. i wil do my normal procedure, kiss his hand, give him a cheeky look n we wil walk together wit his hand clinging onto my waist, start to joke. so, do u get the picture? its like we were loving wen we're together but we we're far apart, we were juz...... haiz.. wat the hell man???

dats the sad part. now come to my fav part of the post. the happy one. i'm happy so far at werk. i'm getting along pretty well wit my collegues. starting to joke ard. not like the time wen i 1st join in, i reali dun noe how shud i go abt talking to dem. dun tel me i shud crack a joke wen i'm not familiar in which kind of jokes do dey regard as a funny one. hehe. hope dat dey wil treat me as one of their family where i can make my werk place as my 3rd hme. shud u guys noe where's my 2nd hme? well, dun pretend as if u dun noe. of coz my ayg's house lah. oh my god! its 12.30 n i'm stil awake! 5 hrs to go b4 i drag my feet down to werk. gd nite!

sToNeD

2006-12-25T10:24:00.000-08:00

here i am again at werk early in the morning. i do consider 10 am is too early for me. even said so, i've been here behind the counter for the past 3 hrs. cool isnt it? "iza" was found awake as "early" as 5.30am in the morning struggling n forcing myself to be excited to go to werk. gosh! how i love doing morning shift *self motivation*. but its true, somehow, there's something good abt doing this shift. yeah, u get to go off from dis place early though. * for the actual 'iza', dis is the time wen i juz wake up from bed* heee!

so at the moment, i stil have less den 5 hrs to go b4 i said goodbye to all my afternoon shifts werking collegues who is going to go thru another 8 hrs of my day by which i wil spend dat time by making journey to one of my fav vacation spot. DREAMLAND! had to cover up another 3 hrs of my debt. hehe. u get wat i mean. so to my big bangalow n my sports car, i'll mit u guys there especialy to my dearest KTM, i do realy mish u even i've juz riden on u last nite. haha!

having dat, i was tinking if my ayg going to bring me to bangkok for our holiday. we had discussed abt it n we planning to depart in march nxt year. but he said if we are going for the holiday, we have to postpone our engagement abit later due to the savings we gonna use for the trip n save dat trip after our engagement ceremony. he's going to bring me to this charming n high class hotel, LEBUA AT STATE in bangkok. man! u guys reali nid to check dat hotel out. it is damn fucking nice. suits for honeymooners especially.

so, i guess i had to reali sit down n decide whether to go in march nxt yr or to save it for my LEBUA to celebrate our engagement self party. hmm.. i'm thinking rite now............

FuCkEd uP!

2006-12-19T02:37:00.000-08:00

my God! i HATE my life! i HATE my fate! i HATE my myself! dun u have anytink to do rather den find my mistakes n faults at me?? am i'm the one who shud be emotional or YOU? a small arguement which i, myself end up wit n appology had been smacked by pissing me off question. juz bcoz u had notink to do at hme n feel so damn bored u had to release ur anger of boredom to me. there's absolutely notink went wrong wit our relationship. not at all but u r the one who make it more like a serial drama which wil not end their conflicts until episode 124.

even though i had my attitude reali fucking nuts but dat doesnt mean u can juz blow at me like dat. i realise dat in a relationship, there is a need for a give n take BUT u always give in a sense dat u r always right n i had to take in dat those r my mistakes. are u too egoistic even to realise it? i noe i cant see my mistakes but at least i have the mind to appologise.

we did talked dis out n everytings settled n i said i'm sorry for hurting ur feelings n u told me to forget abt it since u're too tired to argue n same goes wit me. but y muz u start to raise a definite arguements question after u said to forget abt it?? so is it my fault??? its not dat i dun understand u but u are the one who do not want me to understand u. dun expect people to be able to read ur mind n fulfiling the needs of ur thinkings!

i do not wan u to tink dat i'm rude for logging out but the more i'm online in dat stupid thing, the more pain my heart wil get wit our stupid arguements. pls think before u talk coz u dun noe whose heart might get hurt.

tRuSt

2006-12-16T20:02:00.000-08:00

to trust or not to trust.. sometimes, even a man said he is willing to die for you but eventuali, he even date ur closefren. sometimes, he said u are the only girl he love n no one else, but stil, he stil flirt wit his collegues. i dun noe abt ur man but dis is my perspection towards dem.

sweet talkers. to hell wit dem! he wud say good things abt u which melted ur heart but he didnt reali mean it.

gosh! i hate guys!! BUT, not all i shud say. dey stil wan to enjoy around wit gerls. have lots of contacts, miting here n there, n have all the attention dey get. it feels dat u are the most wanted person on earth. i understand their needs. it feels dat u r on top of the world. how i wish i cud get back to my old life. having all the attentions til u dun have quite enuf time to entertain every single one of dem. even if i had a boyfren, well, i'm still belongs to him n love him more juz dat i do nid more den one guy to love me. well dats my principle before i eventuali knocked my head against the wall n realised how wud it feel if the guy u r flirting wit, is sumone's fiancee or anytink. it reali hurts wen i came to tink abt it. and trust me, u wil get the same tink back. u noe, 'wat goes ard comes ard'. n it reali happened to me. someone i reali love, actuali did the same tink like wat i did b4. gosh! it keeps repeating one after another. n i mean it, exactly the same ting!! God is the Greatest. u cant run away from it.

dats y, now, i'm turning over a new leaf. all my past are history. n i'm not getting it again n i knew it. have to be faithful to one person n all the disastrous tings wil end.

i'm not done yet.. i may be faithful but it depends to another party. i'm experience enuf to catch all lies from his eyes. so dun even tink abt it. u play wit me, i'll make sure u wil have fun. dis is not a threaten but some advice b4 u regret of starting it coz i'm independent now n i CAN live without you.. hee! ciao

At wErk

2006-12-08T22:40:00.000-08:00

boring siol.. tapi ako suker! kalau tak saket tau kaki ako jalan ke sane ke mari.. hehe.. ako skg ngah pat keje blakang counter. ngah tak bz sempat siol update blog. whuahuahua! best kan?? agik 20 min ako dah nak alek! yeayeah! nak dekat 8 jam dah ako diri pat blakang counter ni sengih2 pat org. ape nak uat, part of the job kene senyom cam org tak betol. bsk kene masok kul 1 siol. mendak pulak ako dgr sal schedule last min cam gini. nasib takde planning pape bsk. but stil, i seems to like dis job. yelah leh jumpe mcm2 org, bobal2 ngan dorang sumer.

so after dis, in 15 mins to come, ako akan proceed ke basement, masok ke dlm bilek locker dan salin baju aru ako. hehe. ayg was so nice to buy for me a pink spaghetti strap for me dis afternoon b4 he send me to werk. n later, i'm gona see him again coz he's gona come n fetch me!

aduiiii!!! saket benar kaki ako diri lame2 ngan kasot tinggi.. hehe.. k lah, ade org mengacau. ako kene tutop ni bende. adios!

bOnEs cRaCkeD!!!

2006-12-06T01:15:00.000-08:00

hey! i've been updating my blog quite often now. bagos2. khekhekhe! here i am again trying to do anytink to make myself sleepy. asik tido kul 6 pagi jek mane leh tahan siol! pat keje mate stone jek tapi tangkap maintain mesti selalu. haha!
reali tired seh especiali kaki ako. mane tak nyer ke hulur ke hilir ngan heels n standing on dem for almost 8 hrs. cian dier.. takpe2 one day i wil pamper u like a baby. kiter gi reflexology k. hehe. penat memang penat, but fun ar. get to noe more ppl dis time n dey r great! i'm attached to diff departments juz now n u guess wat, attached to housekeeping department for 2 hrs! pecah sak kaki ako naik turon ke sini ke sane satu building tgk bilik. n the sup actuali give me a chance to sit in a checkout room n watch how dey transform from a dirty n messy room(especiali the toilet..eewww) to a splendid shiny royal bedroom which i nvr get to see in my previous hotel. i tell u, the way dey scrub the toilet bowl n wipe the toilet's floor wit a magic cloth, u can even lie down n slip in toilet. hehe!
n oso at all outlet in the hotel eg bar n restaurants. i was quite surprise wen dis particular bartender whom i'm attached wit at a bar told me dat he was the only one who make the drinks, serves dem n oso doin cashier all by himself. cam bedek gitu kan. tak tau nak caye ke tak. tapi kalau mlm ade asst ar. he was frenly though. suker melawak jgak dekni. pat touching is wen he willing to send me to my nxt outlet walaupon dier ngah banyak keje nak uat. dats nice of him.
for the rest of the day i stay at the recep counter dok diam2 borak2 ngan kwn2 yg lain. sumer pon giler2. dats wat i like! jadi keje ketawe jek. hehe.
hmmm.... got to wake up to a new day 2moro. n guess wat? after a long war i had wit him, eventuali we are ok. he's gonna mit me 2moro b4 werk. he msg me n we like mcm takde pape jadi gitu. i had not apologised yet but i'm gona do so 2moro. hate to quarrel wit him n i hate of being myself who oways started it.
k gtg. nak gi chit chat ngan mak pastu gi tido. dah kul bape dah ni bsk kene angon kul 9 pagi. k chiao!

jUz LiKe bEfOrE

2006-12-04T17:31:00.000-08:00

ffuuhhh! penat semcm. dah lah pat luar panas leh cair make up ako tadi. tapi atleast make me feel better dpt alek siang siket kalau tak ampai kul 7 lah ako kene akai aju cam pat negeri omputeh tu. tak paham kan? hehe. takpe2 takyah paham.

no lah.. i juz started werk today so uniform tu yg uat ako cam mat salleh tak menjadi. hahaha!

my career life has started back again after been a year since i had a hotel job. so biler start keje tadi rase cam rindu terubat kembali. agaknyer darah ako dah kene ngan keje yg mcm ni. i wan to kip myself bz so i can forget abt my personal problems.

haizz... tapi ako tak bermaksod nak luper kan dier biler ako dah bz ngan keje. ntahlah ako pon tak paham kadang2 ape yg uat ako asik rase gelisah jek. maybe pasal dier dah 2 hari tak kol ako? but i dun wan dis problem to effect my werk. ako pon takleh nak mengharap sgt. kalau ade jodoh ako hepi kalau takde...... ermm.... watever it is, i do love him alot. tapi ako tak tau ape dier nak. there's dis character dat i juz dun understand abt him. n i guess he dun understand me either. ako nak kol dier tapi kalau ako kol nanti ako tak tau nak ckp ape. shud i say " u ngah uat pe? dah mkn? u maseh marah kan i ke? i'm sorie k" or shud i juz kip silent til he kols me? ako ukannyer pandai nah nak pujok2 org agik pon dier kan lelaki. kalau sebelom ni ako yg selalu org pujok. ako merajok kejap jek. ckp ' ala la la bucuk2 takmo majok lah. syg dier!' ako dah leh senyom dah.

stress betol ako. skg ako nak siap2 gi kuar jumpe member ako hilang kan tension. selagi ako dok umah selagi tu lah ako stress pikirkan masalah ako. bye iza!

wAr

2006-12-03T04:37:00.000-08:00

haaiizzzz..... if ever i cud say 'im sorie' to him. dis is wat u kol 'egoistic'. as wat he said, 'dua2 tanak mengalah'. i reali didnt mean to raise my voice at him but i juz cant control my anger lah. even though both of us are at fault, i guess i shud juz give in. tapi ape ako dah uat tadi siang sape2 pon takleh accept.

we quarrel at ct hall juz now. punca nyer, he was quiet all the way even i ask him y but he juz said notink. he tot i can read his mind. mood hilang siol nak jalan kalau dier camtu so i decided dat we juz stop n go back hme rather den i see his face like dat. maybe he's too tired i dun noe. i juz took my bag he was carrying feeling pissed wit the face he showed me. mane tau dier penat bawak.

we started to argue n i juz shouted at him which i noe i shud not have done. dis short-tempered attitude muz stop. i dun like dis kind of behaviour i did to my ayg. dah ampai jek control stn, ako punyer lah KURANG AJAR ako tepis tangan dier biler dier hulor tangan untok ako salam n juz walk in. kalau ako kene gitu pon ako peng sak. biler dah naik train aru ako rase menyesal. mcm nak patah alek jek mintak maaf tapi ako rase mesti dier dah blah. walaowei! i reali hate myself!

ampai skg dier tak kol ako. ako tau dier marah ngan perangai ako tapi ako betol2 tak niat siol nak uat camtu. ako cepat binget. but i noe he wil cool off n forgive me. alamak.. type nyer type cam nak jatoh jek airmate ako. lek2... reali hope he can forgive me.

AND TO MYSELF, nid to improve more on my behaviour. cuba lah jadi org yg penyabar siket. but i oways said to him, 'im a very impatient person' but, but, but, impatient in a correct way ok. ceh2 nasihat sendiri. kesian.... anytink JUZ THINK N BEHAVE POSITIVELY..

k ako nak blah gi tgk crite P.Ramlee ampai tetido. tengkiu!

DeAdLy cOnFuSeD

2006-11-28T02:01:00.000-08:00

Yeayeah! ako dah dpt keje! hari ni betol2 lucky ar sekali dua2 company kol ako. Lame jugak ako tunggu kol dari hotel tu n hari ni terbukti doa ako ngan mak ako terkabol. I get dat designation as a GUEST RELATION OFFICER. wow! berat betol bunyi nyer. Thks for ur prayer mummy! TETAPI, agik satu keje yg ako dpt as a CUSTOMER SERVICE OFFICER buat ako pikir dlm2 whether to go for the hotel job or not. keje ni office hr, tu yg best nyer unlike keje pat hotel where i got to do 3 shifts work. HAIYAH! pening kepale gue. *head banging on the table*. tak boleh ke pilih dua2? hehe, cam paham. I guess I follow mummy's advice. keje customer service psl dier tak suker sgt ako keje ampai 3 shift. penat beb! ako pon tak pernah keje opis hr so...... ermmm.... i tink.... hish!!! tak tau lah ako! tgk ar camner.

lets drop dat subject. mlm2 yg sejuk gini tak sepatutnyer pening kan kepale. hmm... i was tinking.. ako ni kurang ajar sgt ke pat ayg? ako rase a'ah lah. i've been treating him harshly all dis while. yelah bobal asik tengking2 jek. takde respect pat dier. gotta change my attitude. i tink i'll stop here. otak dah jam. adios!

ton

2006-11-26T06:15:00.000-08:00

skg dah pukol 6 lebih n ako aru ampai umah.. well, i noe its suppose to be sat nite dan hari camni kalau ako alek kul 6 lebih tu korang paham2 jelah gi aner agik kan. haiz.. kalau lah tunnel maseh ukak........ sob!sob! tempat tu jek yg leh puaskan hati ako joget ampai suboh.. haizzzzz... eh sudahlah! ako dah nak quit clubbing ni. ceh2 cam paham jek. tapi serious2 i wil soon quit one day bile ako dah ade rumahtangge sendiri. skg ni nak kurangkan tanak cam dulu. sebulan sekali ke. tapi kalau nak gi clubbing ayg mesti lah ade ngan ako. n same goes to u ayg. ingat, ade pegi ade balek. hehehe

juz wit him juz now ton bawah blok hehe. dari kul 12 ampai kul 6 pagi. memang mendak jugak ar agik2 laptop nyer batt cepat sgt flat so we got notink to do but to chat2 over big gulp.but i enjoy being wit him. oways makes me laugh wit his nonsense. haha! sanggop send me hme from amk n now he's gona make his trip back hme alone. cepat2 abis kan TP k ayg so senang u nak antar i alek takyah nak risau2 tunggu 1st train n last train ni sumer. cant wait to buy our own KTM. hehe.Gona mish him today even though we gona mit again 2moro. I tink i've type too much for now.*yawning.. off to slip now..

newborn baby

2006-11-24T00:08:00.000-08:00

First of all, i wud like to welcome my 1st blog! tapi to some of you yg dah lame ade blog bangse posting panjang2 tu sumer komfem tgk ako nyer blog n dey wud say " hek eleh! dah nak basi aru nak ade blog!"

tapi the purpose ako lahirkan ni blog saje untok ako luahkan perasaan ke ape ke.. maybe in dis way takde lah ako stress sgt simpan masalah2 ako tu sumer.. mane lah tau kan ade insan yg baik hati dpt bagi komen tolong selesai kan masalah ako.. at least kalau ayg ako bace den he wil noe why i tink dis way or another wen we argue.. Hmmm.. baik ar!!

Well, dis blog stils nid alot of touch ups.. pelan2 kayoh! Btw, gotta slip earli tonite coz bsk kene angon pagi!! YEP! PAGI! IZA KENE ANGON PAGI! =>

I'm signing off n last but not least, CREDITS to shikin for helping me out in creating dis blog of mine..

*meow*